Monday, January 17, 2011

Tired

"If a perfect parent is not what a child needs,what is? A mother who is, in the words of child psychologist D.W. Winnicott, 'good enough.'" --Brie P. Quimby, from Changed by a Child, Barbara Gill

Bath night is every other night. I wash his hair, brush his teeth, dry him off.  In the morning I shave and dress him, make him breakfast, clean up after. He gets a pill in the morning one half hour before breakfast, another exactly two hours after his last meal but one hour before the next one. Mondays I take him to dance class, Wednesday is music therapy. I watch his diet, clip his nails, give him his medicine, use cream on his hands and acne medicine on his face. He likes to shop so I take him along to the supermarket, Target, Wal-Mart, the mall. I attend his ISP meetings, call his program to check in, ask how he's doing. I write in the communication book. When he has a cold, I blow his nose and bring him to the doctor. I call to cancel the van and call him in sick to work. I make his appointments. I comfort and cajole and reward when it's time for a shot or blood test. I find respite workers, doctors, information, educational toys, music that he'll like. I try to make his day easy and his mood happy, or at least, content.
These things I do for my 25-year-old son. I do it with a grateful feeling in my heart because a mother's love for her children is boundless, and I do not know another way to be.
But if I'm going to be truthful, sometimes I get tired.  Sometimes, just every so often, I don't want to do any of it. The feeling never lasts for more than a day, but sometimes it's a few hours. I feel so guilty when I think about wanting to feel free, for just a little while. What kind of mother am I?
I am afraid to say I feel this way, ashamed to admit it. Hell, my fingers have gone to the delete button three times since I put these words to print. I prefer to present a positive face to the world at all times.
Am I normal? Is it normal to feel like I must do these things while at the same time feel like I want someone else to do them? This paradoxical way of thinking is uncomfortable for me. I hate it.
When I need inspiration, I flip through a book I've owned for many years. The author has a gift, not just for words, but for getting to the very heart of feelings that mothers like me experience. Here is what I found today:
Barbara Gill wrote, of raising children with a disability, "We are knitting on at least a dozen needles. It is complicated and it is hard. But we do it. We drop a lot of stitches, but we knit our lives. And what interesting, varicolored, unique garments they turn out to be."

2 comments:

  1. Celia, you are an amazing writer & I could read your stories everyday. Having 5 kids, 2nd graders through college sophomore, I can relate in some way to each of your stories. Very inspiring & thought provoking.
    Love,
    Susan(Taylor)Hastain

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  2. Celia,
    Someone who does not have a child with a physical or mental challenge can never know what you go through, Someone with a healthy “normal” child might have an idea of the pain in your heart, but they too can never really know. The pain that stays with you where ever you go and what ever you do.
    Please do not judge yourself harshly, you are human too with all the frailties that goes with it.
    You are courageous, you are strong, you are caring and you are an advocate for your son who knows not where to go so he has a path to follow, … you Celia are Love.
    And I am glad I know you.

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